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Welcome to the house of Bob!!!!If laughter is the best medicine - You've found the last Chemist you'll Ever Need!!!
Thanks for dropping by - Leave a comment and I'll get back to ya! help me encourage you and help you in any way I can - drop me a line to say you've been through and i'll pop in and say G'day to you too!
January, 2008 Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...The other night A woman was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' She told her husband that she would be home by midnight , 'I promise!' Well , the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. , a bit loaded , she headed for home. Just as she got in the door , the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times! Quickly , realizing her husband would probably wake up , she cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution , in order to escape a possible conflict with hubby. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!) The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in , She told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem upset, angry or frustrated in the least. Whew , she got away with that one! Then he said , 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When sge asked him why , he said , Well , last night our clock cuckooed three times , then said , 'Uh - Oh , Ummm.' then it cuckooed four more times , cleared its throat , cuckooed another three times , giggled , cuckooed twice more , and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. January, 2008 English Subtitles (used in films from Hong Kong)You daring lousy guy. Beat him out of recognizable shape! Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination. I have been scared silly too much lately. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? How can you use my intestines as a gift? Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person. I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. Gun wounds again? Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken. Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! January, 2008 Redneck 1st AidTwo men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works !" January, 2008 Cold WarThe Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." January, 2008 Night Before Christmas - Star Trek: TNG Version'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip; The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely, In hope that no aliens would get up early. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks (Except for the few who were partying drunks); And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace, Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face. When out in the halls there arose such a racket, That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket. Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun, Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!" The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din, Gave a luster of Hades to objects within. When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold, But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old. But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew, That we knew in a moment it had to be Q. His sleigh grew larger as closer he came. Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name; "It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc! It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke! To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall! Now float away, float away, float away all!" As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street, So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet, And up the ceiling our bodies they flew, As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!" The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin, And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again. As we took in our plight and were looking around, The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground. The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe, Appeared once again to continue the show. "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!" And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!" "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q. "I just wanted to spend Christmas with you." As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack. He dumped out the contents, and took a step back. "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere. There's something delightful for everyone here." He sat on the floor and dug into the pile, And handed out gifts with his most charming smile. "For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain, Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain. For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great, And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date. For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus: For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss. For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie, And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way." Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face, And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space. But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!" January, 2008 College Classes for American MenWINTER CLASSES FOR MEN – REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY TUESDAY FEB. 27, 2007. CLASSES BEGIN MONDAY, MARCH 5TH
Class 1 The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself? Class 2 Class 3 Class 4 Class 5 Class 8 Class 9 Class 11 Class 12 Class 13 Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. December, 2007 Twisted fairy taleThis is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
One kiss from you, however,
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
That night, ~~~~~~~~ as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't think so. real friend testA simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'coke drawer' with her foot! A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears.. A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book. A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean. A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call. A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems. A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it! A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight. A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you! December, 2007 Remember our Armed Forces this ChristmasT'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE, IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE, MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE. I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY, WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST WHO, IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE. I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE. NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES, OF FAR DISTANT LANDS. WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT, CAME THROUGH MY MIND. FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY. THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR, IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED, AN AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER. WAS THIS THE HERO, OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED? I REALIZED THE FAMILIES,
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS, WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE, A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM, EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE. I COULDN'T HELP WONDER, HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE, IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT, A TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES, AND STARTED TO CRY. THE SOLDIER AWAKENED, AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, "SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE; I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS." THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP. I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL, AND WE BOTH SHIVERED, FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE, ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR, SO WILLING TO FIGHT. THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE." ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT." This poem was written by an Australian Peacekeeping soldier stationed overseas. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favour of showing this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to all of the service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed November, 2007 Jimmy the AboriginalA very rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Jimmy, the only Aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters at the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in the pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool. Jimmy was fighting the croc and turning it into a nice pair of boots. Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts, and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising the dead. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-Mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everyone was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks than?" Nah thanks. I don't want it, answered Jimmy. The host said, Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Jimmy said nah. Confused the rich man asked, well Jimmy, then what do you want? And Jimmy said, "I just wanna know the name of the guy who pushed me in the pool." November, 2007 The EagleDid you know that eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE,
I want to love!
I am a DOVE,
I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON,
I want to spoon!
I am a LOON,
I want to spoon!"
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
well, you know......
No!!!!!!!
The duck didn`t say THAT!!!!!
That's an awful thing to think!
The duck said,
"I am a DRAKE ...
you made a MISTAKE !" November, 2007 Some lawyers just don't have a clueACTUAL WITNESS COMMENTS
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? November, 2007 6 MooseTwo Irish hunters chartered a plane and pilot in Canada and set off to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lad objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board- he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,even with full power, the plane couldn't handle the load and went down...
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Just nother day at work for an Ozzy station man!The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock Frank took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock. He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs, The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills and the dams. He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank. And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank. "Typical bloody sheep," Frank thought, "they've got no common sense, "They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence." The ewe was stuck down in the mud, Frank knew without a doubt. She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out. But when Frank reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free. And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree. Frank reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down. If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown. Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim. Frank saw no other option, he would have to take a swim. Frank peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks. And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks. He jumped into the water and away that dam ewe swam. He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam. The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip. Frank tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip. At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath. She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death. She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side. Frank swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide. Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed. Frank thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed. The local stock and station bloke came along, to pay a call that day. He knew that Frank was on his own, his wife had gone away. He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea. But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view. For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe. And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a thread. Was Frank yelling wildly "Come back here sheepy, or you'll be shot through the head!" The stock and station bloke didn't hang around, he took off in his car. Now Frank's reputation has been damaged near and far. So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks. Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks! September, 2007 Why parents drink!A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked."Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....... "ME." The Rural Australian Thesaurus of Computer TermsLog On Make the barbie hotter
Log Off Don't add any more wood Monitor Keeping an eye on the barbie Download Get the firewood off the ute Hard drive Trip back home without any cold tinnies Floppy disk What you get after too many tinnies with the boys Keyboard Where you hang the ute and bike keys Window What you shut when it's cold Screen What you shut in the mozzie season Byte What mozzies do Bit What mozzie did (before it was a mark on the wall) Mega Byte What Townsville mozzies do Chip A bar snack Micro Chip What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips Modem What you did to the lawns Dot Matrix Old Dan Matrix's wife Laptop Where the cat sleeps Software Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster Hardware Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart Mouse What eats the grain in the shed Web What spiders make Web Site The shed or under the verandah Cursor The old bloke down the pub who swears a lot Search Engine What you do when the ute won't go Yahoo What you say when the ute does go Upgrade A steep hill Server The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch Mail Server The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch Internet Complicated fish net repair method Netscape When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net Online When you get the laundry hung out Off Line When the pegs don't hold the washing up September, 2007 JULIE ANDREWS CLASSIC LYRICTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1st, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from the legendary movie,"Sound Of Music.” Here are the lyrics she used: Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Cadillac’s and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, When the pipes leak, Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, When the joints ache, August, 2007 Total LossA man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park." August, 2007 Wedding PlansA young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk. “So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man. “I am a biblical scholar,” he replied. “A Biblical scholar. Hmmm,” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?” “I will study,” the young man replied, ”and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé. The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.” August, 2007 Garden SnakesGarden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why.........
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance..
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.
The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
**That's when he shot her** .
Fatherly AdviceA TEENAGER sitting soon for his final school exams, had just received his driver's licence and asked his Dad if they could discuss his use of the car. His Dad replied that he would make a deal with his son.
"If you start studying hard, get better results in your trial tests, read the Bible every day, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about the car."
The boy agreed to his Dad's provisos and did his best.
Six weeks later, his father said: "You have brought your grades up, and I've observed you have been reading the Bible. I'm really proud of you, Son. But I am really disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut".
The young man paused a moment, then said, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that, and noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument the Jesus had long hair."
To this the father replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" August, 2007 Never doubt a blind man!A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $44, but the Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is
$3.50." Why did the chicken cross the road?:I asked some of Histories most well known celebrities the old age question - "Why did the chicken cross the road". These were their reply's!
*PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.*
*DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!* *ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.*
*MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.*
*GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.*
*ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.*
*KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.*
*SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.*
*RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?*
*CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.*
*FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?*
*MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.*
*FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.*
*BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.*
*EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?*
*BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?*
*IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.*
*THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.*
*COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?*
*RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.*
August, 2007 The CEOA young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy!" August, 2007 Are You Afraid?A few minutes before the church services started the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years." |
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